The Grip of Unforgiveness

“Unforgiveness has a way of trapping us. And when we are in its grip, we suffer.”

When our daughter, Marissa, was about 5 years old, she got her head stuck between two metal bars on a staircase at our church. After others had tried to free her, my wife came to get me. “Are you okay?” I asked my little girl. “I can’t get my head out!” Marissa said. I lifted her up, and when I got her body high enough, she finally slid her head free. What if she had stayed stuck for a long time?

Some of you are stuck today between the bars of unforgiveness. Unforgiveness has a way of trapping us. And when we are in its grip, we suffer. In Ephesians 4, Paul writes to the church about the need for unity. He ends with this powerful message: “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger… Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (vv. 30–32).

When we refuse to forgive, we grieve the Holy Spirit. The Greek word for grieve is lupeó, meaning to cause sorrow, pain, or distress. As a believer, you have the Holy Spirit living in you (1 Cor. 3:16). You cannot grieve the Spirit and experience His joy at the same time. Verse 31 lists behaviors that emerge from a heart harboring unforgiveness. Then, the apostle Paul explains how we can find freedom: “We have to forgive others because God has forgiven us.”

Forgiveness does not mean excusing what has been done to you or minimizing it. When we forgive someone, we are not saying they deserve forgiveness. Rather, we are saying, “I refuse to live with unforgiveness in my heart. I am forgiving you because I need to walk in wholeness before God.” Here’s our action steps: 1) Confess the sin of unforgiveness before God. Admit before Him that it is still there. 2) Repent. Declare that you recognize this behavior and agree with God’s view of it. 3) Before God, release the person who has hurt or offended you. You can say, “God, I have held this person in debtor’s prison. I have been angry and bitter. I have been hurt, but I release them because You desire it.” By forgiving, we find freedom. If we want to walk forward in the joy of God, we must obey and forgive.